‘She got her looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.’ Groucho Marx

A 47-year-old man has a face lift for his birthday. On his way home from the clinic he pops into the newsagent to buy a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent, ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?’ ‘About 35,’ is the reply. ‘I’m actually 47 years old,’ the man says, feeling really happy. Next he goes into the fish and chip shop and, again, before leaving he asks the same question, to which the reply is, ‘Oh, you look about 29.’ This makes the man feel really good. While standing at a bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, ‘I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your wedding tackle for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.’ The man thinks ‘What the hell’ and lets her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady announces, ‘You’re 47 years old.’ Stunned, the man says, ‘That was brilliant. How did you do that?’ The old lady replies, ‘I was behind you in the chip shop.’

A plastic surgeon is asked if he’s ever been asked to do anything unusual. ‘No,’ replies the surgeon. ‘But I have raised a few eyebrows.’

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and has a radical new treatment. The surgeon puts a small screw in the back of her head so she can turn it and tighten up her skin every time it shows signs of wrinkling. A month later she comes back very upset, ‘Doctor your treatment is dreadful! Look at my face! The bags under my eyes are huge and so matter how much I turn the screw they won’t go away!’ ‘They’re not bags,’ replies the doctor, ‘those are your breasts. And if you keep turning that screw you’re going to end up with a goatee.’

Female patient, ‘Doctor, after my bust enhancement will the scars show?’ Doctor, ‘Well, that’s rather up to you.’

I don’t know anything about cosmetic surgery but a good rule of thumb is, it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened.

Man, to friend, ‘I’m sure that woman has had a face lift.’ Friend, ‘How can you tell?’ Man, ‘Every time she crosses her legs her mouth snaps shut.’

My wife went to have a face-lift last week, but when they saw what was under it they dropped it again.

She had one of those non-surgical face lifts. She was quite pleased with it but to be honest you could see some of the sellotape at the sides.

She’s had her face lifted so often, when she raises her eyebrows her socks go up.